How much are you doing because you're expected to, and how much because you really want to?
This is a difficult question to answer, because sometimes I think I really want to do something, but it turns out my fears and beliefs about myself and what others think of me are clouding my judgement. So where are these expectations coming from? And how much attention should I pay to them?
People can expect a lot from us, but society expects an awful lot of us too: it expects us to get a job, pay our taxes and have good table manners. Those things it's pretty overt about. It expects a few other things as well which it's not so keen to admit to: Society is still a bit sexist - if we are a man it expects us to hold down a good job, be able to time a punch line, and be a versatile sportsman. If we're a girl it expects us to look attractive and do something creative with a cupcake. Well it used to, now it expects us to look attractive whilst juggling two children under five, one of whom is breast feeding, holding down a job, whilst writing our second novel, learning to tango (for fun!) and appearing on Question Time sounding coherent, whilst looking attractive, yet with gravitas, in a dress perfectly selected for the occasion.
And I'm not sure that I am exaggerating for effect, because listening between the lines of the people I talk to, men and women, I have a feeling these expectations may start coming from other people or society, but they quickly help us form beliefs about ourselves and how we should be, and therefore become expectations we use to give ourselves a hard time.
This is a difficult question to answer, because sometimes I think I really want to do something, but it turns out my fears and beliefs about myself and what others think of me are clouding my judgement. So where are these expectations coming from? And how much attention should I pay to them?
People can expect a lot from us, but society expects an awful lot of us too: it expects us to get a job, pay our taxes and have good table manners. Those things it's pretty overt about. It expects a few other things as well which it's not so keen to admit to: Society is still a bit sexist - if we are a man it expects us to hold down a good job, be able to time a punch line, and be a versatile sportsman. If we're a girl it expects us to look attractive and do something creative with a cupcake. Well it used to, now it expects us to look attractive whilst juggling two children under five, one of whom is breast feeding, holding down a job, whilst writing our second novel, learning to tango (for fun!) and appearing on Question Time sounding coherent, whilst looking attractive, yet with gravitas, in a dress perfectly selected for the occasion.
And I'm not sure that I am exaggerating for effect, because listening between the lines of the people I talk to, men and women, I have a feeling these expectations may start coming from other people or society, but they quickly help us form beliefs about ourselves and how we should be, and therefore become expectations we use to give ourselves a hard time.
Here's an example: I spoke to a good friend today whose perception of how she was coping was that she was doing badly: the baby won't sleep, I can't remember having a decent night out with my partner, the flat is a tip and I don't seem to be winning on any front.
Notice that these things, many out of her personal control, were things she was using to suggest it was she who was not living up to expectations, (you have to applaud her taking responsibility!) rather than the expectations being out if sync with what is realistic.
This is not helping her cope. What she neglected to mention at the time was that she is managing an awful lot very well- keeping fit, cooking healthy meals and focusing on helping her baby thrive. And focusing on what we are, what we have, is so much more empowering and energising than focusing on where we think ourselves to be failing.
But much easier said than done I'm sure you'll agree! So maybe try this next time you feel overwhelmed by what is expected of you:
Ask who is expecting this of me? Is it me? Then I can change it. If its not me, who or what is it? How much attention do I choose to pay them?
Maybe next think about what success means to you, not to your partner or your boss or to the editor of a woman's magazine, but to you.
Maybe next think about what success means to you, not to your partner or your boss or to the editor of a woman's magazine, but to you.
Here are some further questions you could reflect on, if you fancied it:
What if it didn't matter what everyone else thought? What if I trod my own path? What would that path look like? Which weeds would I scythe down? What wild animals would I tame on my way?
Then look around you, who else is treading their own path? How can I support them when they are stuck behind some nettles?
With love to all of us, in spite of, and because of all our frailties, and our wonderful talents,
Jen xxx
If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.
Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach
No comments:
Post a Comment