The disadvantage of hindsight: guest blog for Castle Associates

I was thrilled to be asked to write a guest blog for Castle Associates before Christmas. They offer expert legal advice in the field of grievance, disciplinary and redundancy, both for businesses and individuals. Thank you to Nader at Castle Associates for commissioning the article!

When you're going through change or uncertainty do you find it difficult to trust your decision making?

 

Listening to the radio the other day, I caught part of a discussion about interest rates. Were they going to go up? If so, when? And at which point should we all scramble to secure the lowest fixed mortgage rate on the market?

 

By far the most useful piece of advice on the programme was not an answer to any of the above, but was encouragement to get used to the fact that none of us know if and when rates will go up,  we can't do anything about it, so instead we could focus our energies on getting used to living with uncertainty.

 

Getting used to uncertainty means being cool with not knowing all the answers. It means making decisions about our mortgage based on what we know now, because, without recourse to a crystal ball, that's all we can do.

 

It isn’t easy to apply this advice to our choice of mortgage, but at least it’s possible, and we can see the logic. But what would it be like to apply the same thinking to other areas of our lives?

 

Think about change at work - it's easy to feel trapped by change that is being "done" to us and easy to feel paralysed into making no decision at all, especially when change such as looming redundancy or restructure affects our confidence. In those situations, we are often faced with long periods of uncertainty,  followed by a new version of reality that we don’t like the sound of. Sometimes we  have a bit more control of work outcomes than we do over interest rates, but often it doesn’t feel like it.  However, both scenarios have one thing in common  - we can take control of the situation by choosing how we think about it, and how we react to those thoughts.

 

How have you reacted to change at work in the past? Did you engage? Disengage? Feel empowered or disempowered? (None of the above is right or wrong!)

 

What has helped you feel empowered through a period of change or uncertainty in the past? For me, it's a belief in myself that I'm making decisions that are good ones for me based on the information I have at the time.

Back on the radio programme about interest rates, our financial expert concluded by urging us, in 3 years time, to not look back with regret and say "oh I wish I had fixed my mortgage rate earlier" but instead recognise that we acted in the best way we could at the time.

I was once made redundant and moved into an amazing, exciting new job. However, it turned out to be not the right amazing and exciting job for me. That situation helped me think through what makes me tick at work, what makes me passionate, and where I should be focusing my energies to really thrive. Although it was hard, I took the decision to leave that job and explore a new direction. That was a tough time, but I still believe the choice to take that job was a sound one based on the information I had at the time. And I learnt so much that I cannot regret that decision for a minute.

Have you ever taken a leap and regretted it later down the line?

 

What would it be like to let go of regret and know that you did what you did based on the knowledge you had at the time?

Or maybe you are thinking about making a change to your career, but your fear of regretting it later down the line is holding you back?

If you are going through change, or considering it as an option, here are some questions you could ask to help you feel empowered to make decisions:   

 

- How do I truly feel about this change?

- What do I want my life to look like? (Is it different to now? If so how?)

- Who do I know who can help me create that life?

- What great attributes do I have to help me create it for myself?

 

And what would it feel like to make a commitment to yourself that whatever happens, a few months down the line you won't look back with regret, but acceptance and acknowledgement that you made a great decision for you with the information you had at the time. Jump in! Who knows what you might learn or where your new path might take you.

With love

 

Jen

 

 

Winter, Wisdom and the Wheel of Life

We sometimes look to coaching when there's something amiss - an obstacle to face or challenge to overcome. But why wait for such a situation to present itself in order to focus on how you'd like your life to be?

When you're relaxed and calm (well, relatively speaking!) over the Christmas holiday it's a great time to think about what's coming next for you. And if relaxed or calm doesn't quite reflect what's going on for you, as you juggle a tray of mince pies, a paper hat and a hangover, why not commit to finding a small space for reflection as a Christmas gift to yourself?

As I write we're nearing Winter Solstice - the Celtic festival where the cosmic wheel of the year briefly stops turning, as one cycle ends and another begins. What better time to focus on 'what next?'

Many of our northern European seasonal celebrations originate in this pagan festival of midwinter - the decoration of our homes with evergreens like holly and ivy for example, which signify everlasting life.

Those celebrating the solstice believed that the run up to midwinter was a time for nature to retreat into itself and conserve its energy. But although the woods and fields look bare, there is new life stirring as shoots appear on trees and the first snowdrops prepare to push through the earth.

And, like nature, we too have been conserving our energy, as the days get shorter we feel like hibernating and reflecting (well maybe in times when we were more in tune with nature we did, try telling that to 21st century party planners!) Winter Solstice can be a time for us, like the snowdrops, to return from a period of reflection and regrouping, to put newfound wisdom into action.

As you hang your holly over the fireplace, and open door number 21 on your chocolate advent calendar, why not reflect on what the cycle of life means to you?

As the days get lighter, which of your talents do you want to shine that light on?

As the darkness lifts, which unhelpful thoughts will you leave behind?

What wisdom have you gained over the last few weeks, and how do you want to use it as we move into the new year?

Wishing you light and lightness of being for 2018,

Love
Jen

The Information about winter solstice in this blog post is taken from Sacred Celebrations: a sourcebook, by Glennie Kindred, published 2007 by Gothic Image Publications.

With thanks to Imogen for buying it for me!

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifer@mccannacoaching.co.uk and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coachhttp://mccannacoaching.co.uk/

When good things come out of unhelpful situations

We've all been there - the job move that turns your hair white overnight, the new boss whose way of working ramps up your stress levels, or the nightmare project where nothing ever seems to go right.

When we're in the middle of these situations it's very hard to see anything positive in the situation. Stress in one area of our life, be it home or work, can easily spill into other parts of our lives and it can rapidly feel like we're losing control, and with it, any last vestiges of confidence we had in our own ability.

If I think about my own professional life, I look back on these situations and I shudder, but I also know that they have been the times when I've learnt the most about myself, my strengths and my preferences. The times I've been forced out of my comfort zone (or forced to stretch the perimeter of my comfort zone) are the times I've developed new skills or surprised myself about how I can handle a situation I previously thought I could never manage.

I'm not suggesting we all go round seeking unhealthily stressful situations but I do think that if, and when, they happen, there is great value in taking time to reflect and focus on any potential learning, and acknowledging "hey, I got through it, I'm tougher than I thought"

It's hard to do that when you're right in the middle of a stressful situation or even directly afterwards. I often find I don't process the last job, project or situation until I'm well into the next one. Only then am I able to view what happened with the objectivity that distance and time can provide.

I worked with a wonderfully thoughtful and insightful client recently who had experienced in the recent past a very stressful job role. The client acknowledged that on leaving that particular organisation, they had found the courage to have a very open conversation with a senior colleague to explain their feelings. Aside from the gift of feedback this client left her past organisation, she now knows that she has the courage and skill to have that kind of courageous conversation again if she needs to, without going to pieces, and how empowering is that?

What past situation would you benefit from reflecting on? And how can that unhelpful situation help you grow, develop and manage yourself towards better situations in the future?

We often dont get much further than "well I'm going to avoid situations or people like that again" without really thinking about exactly what it is we want to avoid, and indeed whether we have developed new coping mechanisms in the process.

These are some of the questions I have asked myself in these situations, I hope they are helpful:

What attracted me to that situation in the first place?
What did I learn about environments I like to thrive in?
What did I learn about what makes me stressed?
What contribution did I make to how stressful it became? What might I do differently next time?
What was great about how I handled the situation?
What new skills did I develop in order to cope?
What can I acknowledge myself for, now the situation is over?
Yours, learning all the time,

Jen

P.S The above picture is of Whitstable beach, and if you look closely you can see someone with the job of digging for bait, which may or may not be a stressful job, depending on your preferences.

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

The weight of expectation!

How much are you doing because you're expected to, and how much because you really want to?

This is a difficult question to answer, because sometimes I think I really want to do something, but it turns out my fears and beliefs about myself and what others think of me are clouding my judgement. So where are these expectations coming from? And how much attention should I pay to them?

People can expect a lot from us, but society expects an awful lot of us too: it expects us to get a job, pay our taxes and have good table manners. Those things it's pretty overt about. It expects a few other things as well which it's not so keen to admit to: Society is still a bit sexist - if we are a man it expects us to hold down a good job, be able to time a punch line, and be a versatile sportsman. If we're a girl it expects us to look attractive and do something creative with a cupcake. Well it used to, now it expects us to look attractive whilst juggling two children under five, one of whom is breast feeding, holding down a job, whilst writing our second novel, learning to tango (for fun!) and appearing on Question Time sounding coherent, whilst looking attractive, yet with gravitas, in a dress perfectly selected for the occasion.

And I'm not sure that I am exaggerating for effect, because listening between the lines of the people I talk to, men and women, I have a feeling these expectations may start coming from other people or society, but they quickly help us form beliefs about ourselves and how we should be, and therefore become expectations we use to give ourselves a hard time.

 

Here's an example: I spoke to a good friend today whose perception of how she was coping was that she was doing badly: the baby won't sleep, I can't remember having a decent night out with my partner, the flat is a tip and I don't seem to be winning on any front.

 

Notice that these things, many out of her personal control, were things she was using to suggest it was she who was not living up to expectations, (you have to applaud her taking responsibility!) rather than the expectations being out if sync with what is realistic. 

This is not helping her cope. What she neglected to mention at the time was that she is managing an awful lot very well-  keeping fit, cooking healthy meals and focusing on helping her baby thrive. And focusing on what we are, what we have, is so much more empowering and energising than focusing on where we think ourselves to be failing.

But much easier said than done I'm sure you'll agree! So maybe try this next time you feel overwhelmed by what is expected of you:

 Ask who is expecting this of me? Is it me? Then I can change it. If its not me, who or what is it? How much attention do I choose to pay them?

Maybe next think about what success means to you, not to your partner or your boss or to the editor of a woman's magazine, but to you. 

 

Having a vision of what long term success looks like can really help put today's feeling of overwhelm into perspective. And if that's too hard, break it down and ask, what does success look like today? (For my friend, doing something that makes her feel like her - planning a night where she can dress up and go out, or reminding herself at the end of the day what is going well and what she can be proud of.)

 

Here are some further questions you could reflect on, if you fancied it:

What if it didn't matter what everyone else thought? What if I trod my own path? What would that path look like? Which weeds would I scythe down? What wild animals would I tame on my way? 

Then look around you, who else is treading their own path? How can I support them when they are stuck behind some nettles?

With love to all of us, in spite of, and because of all our frailties, and our wonderful talents,

Jen xxx

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

To plan or not to plan? That is the question

Should I have a career plan? A question we think we should be asking ourselves, but what will a plan do for you? And if you want a plan, how do you go about getting one?

A friend posed the question the other day, 'does anyone have a five year plan?'

A quick poll in the pub of our school friends - thoughtful, successful and intelligent folk - suggested that no, not everyone has a five year plan, in fact not many of us have any sort of plan at all.

I think there are benefits to having a plan, because if you have a vision of what you'd like to aim for its easier to work out how to get there.

However, I think it's easy to give yourself a hard time for not having a plan. We might assume that its only the people who are single minded about their long term goals who will be successful, and that's definitely not helpful.

So my answer to 'does everyone have a plan?' is 'do you want a plan?' and 'what would be different if you had a plan?'

If you decide you'd like a plan, but you don't know where to start, maybe begin with creating your vision of the future. Ask yourself questions like 'where will I be living', 'In what sort of environment will I be working?', 'who else will be there?', 'What skills will I be using?', 'What am I truly passionate about?'. You could keep a vision notebook where you jot down pieces of your vision. Many of my clients enjoy creating a vision board of what they want their life to look like using pictures from magazines that inspire them.

Your plan will fall out of this vision. Ask yourself 'what do I already have that will help me create this vision?' This could be experience, contacts or skills.

And if you don't want a plan, don't force yourself to have one! Sometimes not having a plan is liberating, and not rigidly sticking to a plan you do have means you can be truly open to opportunity.

I was reminded about this on a recent canoeing trip: I was quite keen on knowing where we would start and where we would finish and how we'd get back, and one of my friends was keen on just having an amazing adventure and seeing how far we could paddle. Once we got out on the water I started to shift into the "no plan" camp, just enjoying the scenery, not worried about how far we'd gone or when we'd reach the next landing.

Sometimes I think we can be so fixed on the end goal we forget to enjoy the journey. And there's so much to see on the journey!

So there's pros and cons to planning. Certainly spending some time creating a vision of the future and working out how you'll get there is useful. But it's not for everyone, or every situation. Sometimes it's nice just to let the scenery of the river glide by, and see where you end up.

The above photo was taken at the start of our canoeing trip on the river Wye in Herefordshire, with thanks to Matt, Luke, Barny, Chris and Evan for an amazing weekend. Thanks also to Neil, Greg and Bryony for being the inquisitive school friends in question.

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com  and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

 

From 'should' to 'could'

How can a simple change in the way you talk to yourself result in a calmer, happier, you?

A word that I hear a lot in, and out of, the coaching room is 'should'. Whilst there's a time and place for 'should' - I should look left and right before crossing the road, for example, it's sometimes used in a way that doesn't serve us well.

So what's unhelpful about one little word like 'should'?

For me, it's often my way of telling myself all the things I need to do. Look at these three statements:

I should clean the house before my parents arrive

I should finish this piece of work before I go to lunch

I should be better at this task by now

What do you notice about them? My first observation is how stressed I feel when I read them. On further reflection I realise they are all presented as fact. There is no choice or possibility in these statements. And sometimes if I am working against a deadline, or incentivising myself to get that sub 30 minute time in the 5K Park Run, that might be useful. But sometimes what 'should' does is close the door to possibility.

Look at these three slightly different phrases:

I could clean the house thoroughly before my parents arrive

I could finish this piece of work before I go for lunch

I could be better at this by now

So what's going on now?

I notice that's it's a lot easier to put the word 'or' after a 'could' sentence. Which opens up possibility.

I could clean the house before my parents arrive, or I could sit down and relax so I'm in a better mood to welcome them (and my mother always finds washing up to do anyway, even if I'm convinced there is nothing to clean.)

I could get this piece of work done by lunch, or I could do that other piece of work, or I could go and chat to my colleague because that's going to make this afternoon's meeting run much more smoothly. (I am giving myself control of my working day.)

I could be better at this task by now, so what happened? Did other things get in the way? Could I use more support? What lessons can I learn? Is this task even still relevant to me? (Could is encouraging me to work out what's really going on.)

I'm not saying either of these are the wrong or right choices, simply that you have a choice.

Should seems to be a way we put undue pressure on ourselves. I should be thin/popular/the best at my job. I should never make mistakes.

Even if we are pretty successful at achieving those things, there will be the odd day we eat our own body weight in doughnuts/someone gets cross with us/we mess up at work, and the more our mind has convinced us of what or whom we 'should' be, the more painful those days are going to feel.

What can you do to notice when you use 'should'? 

I find that 'shoulds' come in waterfalls, once one leaks out, a torrent normally follows. For me this is when I'm feeling under the weather, or when I have too much on or when I'm under pressure.

Next time you feel a waterfall of 'shoulds' welling up, let it happen.  Take a pen and some paper and write them all down. Then take a deep breath, maybe take the piece of paper into a different space, a new room of the house or office, and reflect on each of the statements. Which do you want to turn into statements of possibility or choice? Re-write those sentences and practice saying them out loud, or even to an understanding friend.

Practice noticing when an unhelpful 'should' leaks out. What else could you do with it, to turn it into something that's working for you, not against you.

Do let me know how you get on,

With love
Jen

Seeing as we're on the subject, I couldn't resist this picture of a waterfall near Chang Mai in Thailand, I hope you like it!

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com  and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

 

 

 

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

Because you're worth it!

 

What happens when we really pay attention to ourselves, and stop expecting others to pay attention for us?

 

I recently attended a truly inspirational three-day workshop led by Dr Robert Holden entitled Loveability. Loveability is "about letting the love that is your true nature teach you how to love and be loved"*

It was a practical and inspiring three days and, as well as meeting many interesting people, and lying in Hyde park having a picnic lunch every day, we explored some practical tools, and interesting concepts, through the universal theme of love.

One of my favourite insights was around what happens when we feel wanting in some way. If, for example, we feel out of sorts, we may decide it's because we haven't had enough attention from our partner, our friends or our family. However, it could instead be a sign that we haven't paid enough attention to ourselves recently.

Here's an example from my life: My partner is always saying to me "do less, chill out more" and  I tend to stop momentarily, nod sagely and say " yes, darling, you're completely right" then proceed to rush around attending every social occasion, organising everything and everyone in sight. I've then been known to collapse on the sofa at the end of the week and say "you don't pay me enough attention". He sighs and turns off the episode of "Pointless" he's been watching and asks me how my week was.

If, however, I catch myself in time, and am in a self- aware frame of mind, I can ask myself "do I need attention from someone else or do I need it from me?"

"Do I need to see evidence of love and regard externally or can I seek it from myself?"

And if I make that choice to pay myself some attention, what does that look like? For me, part of loving myself is noticing those self- critical thoughts. Not necessarily doing anything with them, just noticing that they are there and seeing them for what they are, and loving myself anyway.

For you, paying attention and loving yourself might be mean something completely different.

Noticing what is going on in our heads helps us change how we experience the world and how we show up to others.

If you're tempted, you could practice noticing when you'd like some love and attention.

Ask yourself "do I want to seek love and attention from someone else today, or do I want it from myself"

And what does giving yourself love and attention even look like?

To borrow a question or two from Lizzie Prior, a wonderful friend and gifted coach: if you knew that you were 100% loved and supported, what would be different?
 What action could you take in the next three days to bring about more of this?

(Try and make this a practical action, that something that someone else will be able to see evidence of when you've done it.)

Receiving love from others feels good, but loving ourselves feels even better.

Do let me know how you get on.
 
Wishing you lots of love,

Jen

Taking in a nice view, or finding a peaceful spot helps give us space to notice what's going on in our heads, which is why I thought you'd like this photo of the beach at Criccieth in North Wales.

 *quote taken from Loveability by Robert Holden, published by Hay House UK Ltd, 2013.
Read more from Robert at www.robertholden.org
Follow Lizzie on Facebook at Lizzie Prior - sacred rebellion

If you liked this blog, please feel free to share it with your friends. If you'd like to talk about how coaching can help you get what you want, please email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com 
and if I'm not the right coach for you, I have several talented coaching associates I can put you touch with.

Jennifer McCanna
Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach