Giving feedback is hard to do

Getting to the point where we feel confident giving feedback can be hard. I explore how you can feel in control of those situations, and relationships, that affect you in a negative way.

 

Imagine this scenario, you walk into the kitchen at work and you meet the one person who you really have a problem with. Your heart sinks. They always manage to upset you,offend you, frustrate you and frankly you can do without it. What do you do?

 

The chances are, you grin and bear it as you make your cup of tea, then you go back to your desk and email your best mate to rant about how this person really gets your goat.

Fair enough, this is life. But what happens when it turns out you’ve been put on a project team with this person? Or they become your new boss?

 

One of the wonderful and interesting things about life is that we all have a very unique set of experiences that make us who we are – from our upbringing, our cultural background and the people who have influenced us to the opportunities we’ve had, or not had. Because we all have this unique take on life there will often be times when we meet people who don’t react in a way we expect or understand, and in some cases in a way we don’t approve of, and when that happens it can provoke a strong emotional reaction.

 

I’m interested in what we do with that emotion. It’s easy to blame the person who’s inspired it, “they are just inept/bad tempered/rude” and that’s one way to go. But it can leave us feeling powerless. “That person over there is making me feel like this!! The outrage!” But here’s the thing – you can choose to take their behaviour personally and you can choose not to.

 

For example, my partner is tidier than me, and finds my habit of leaving unopened (or opened) post around the house at best unfathomably weird. This might seem a trivial example, but we all know how the smallest things can be the most annoying, and how they can turn into big things if not addressed. At worst my partner might feel I’m being purposefully untidy, which is disrespectful to the tidy house he’s trying to create. So why do I leave my post lying around? I grew up in a house where things had to be tidied away swiftly, so as a reaction to that I like a relaxed attitude to tidying away paperwork. And you know what, I had never thought about that until he pointed it out.

 

Faced with your own example of perceived outrageous behaviour, what can you do?

 

As I see it, there are two options: you can actively choose not to let this behaviour get to you, know it’s not personal and get on with your life, or you can offer this person feedback in the hope that they will change their behaviour.

The problem is option one takes patience and restraint, which we sometimes doubt we have. Option two takes courage, we’re not sure of the reaction, we feel it’s not our place to feedback, for example, within a work hierarchy, or maybe we don’t feel we have the skills to have that conversation.

And because both options are hard, we often fall into default option three: rant and moan about this person or behaviour to our close friends. Whilst this can lower blood pressure by helping you let off steam, it’s not actually serving to improve the situation, and in fact, if you get stuck there, it tends to compound your feelings of injustice and helplessness, lessening the likelihood of ever getting to either moving on, or giving feedback. When I’ve been stuck in “rant and moan” myself, it’s never productively moved the situation forward.

 

Are you waiting for someone to change? Are you taking someone’s behaviour personally? What are you doing about that right now?

 

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What’s going on for the other person? By putting yourself in their shoes you might gain insight into why they appear to be being difficult. Think about their background, is this behaviour accepted in their generation/culture? Chances are, making your life hard isn’t their primary motivation. (I’m not saying this makes it ok, I’m saying it increases your empathy towards them, which makes a conversation easier)
• If you could explain the effect their behaviour has on you, what would you say?
• How do you feel about giving that feedback?

If you decide it is worth addressing your concerns with them, think through the most effective way of doing this. There has been a lot written about giving feedback, and a proper discussion would take up another few articles, but here are some general rules to bear in mind:

1. Offering face to face feedback (i.e. not via email or text!) is more productive as you can have a two way conversation about the situation. The person on the receiving end has a right to reply.
2. Giving feedback in a timely way also helps it be received well. Try not to bring up things that happened three years ago. How would you feel if you thought someone had been mad at you for that long?
3. Talk about the behaviour you see, not personality. For example “it stresses me out when you leave envelopes everywhere” rather than “you are untidy”. From the point of view of the person receiving the feedback, hearing about a specific behaviour one is exhibiting is easier to take, than a blanket statement about a personality flaw. You’ll get a better reaction!
4. Talk about the impact of their actions on you. The chances are, the person you’re feeding back to has never thought about this, and this new insight can be the motivation to change “when you leave your post lying around it makes me feel like all the tidying I do during the week is unappreciated, and I can’t relax when the house is untidy”
5. Choose a time to deliver the feedback when you’re not feeling emotional. If you offer feedback feeling calm and open, the chances are that this is how it will be received.

And remember, you cannot influence how others behave all the time, but you can control how you react to them.

Good luck and let me know how you go!

 

Jen

 

This blog was originally written for Bowland Solutions who provide software to support 360 feedback and performance management. They blog regularly about feedback and the power of meaningful conversations at www.bowlandsolutions.com/blog.

 

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com or connect with me at Linked In and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

To be, or to achieve? That is the question

I've been thinking recently: what would it feel like if self-worth came from who we are, not necessarily what we achieve?

 

 

I was reflecting on this as I'm currently seven months pregnant and I spent the first half of my pregnancy suffering from nausea and sickness that really slowed me down.

This was tough as usually I like to achieve a lot, and during that time I wasn't able to achieve as much as I used to. The part of my identity that is associated with "give it to Jen, she'll get it done" was under scrutiny, mostly by me.

I've always linked my own self-worth to tangible achievements, from getting good exam results to ticking things off tasks on a to do list. But now I'm experimenting with a new way of thinking: even though great achievements can change lives, is who I am more important than what I achieve?

I've road tested this by thinking of people whom I admire: a lovely friend with whom I studied music recently sang several shows a week at English National Opera, whilst 7 months pregnant, looking after a 3 year old and getting some pupils through their music exams. I admire her achievements hugely, but they aren't why I love her. I love her for her kindness, her insights and the fact I laugh a lot when we're together, and that's about who she is, not what she's achieving.

I admire my partner for the fantastic work he does professionally and the fact he comes home and does the washing up, but that's not why I love him.

So now I'm trying to apply the same thinking to myself. It's not as important how many things I tick off my list, but who I'm being with my coaching clients -  the space I create for them to explore has more to do with who I am as a coach than how many articles I've had published.

It's like the quality over quantity argument. We can all rush around doing stuff, and yes if we invent a life changing device or successfully campaign for change that’s brilliant and we will be celebrated for that. But even the drive to do those things comes from who we are, and that is what we will be remembered for by those who know us well.

 

Aha - you're thinking - is this just an excuse for us to stop working, put our feet up and just 'be'? No, not necessarily, but it is an opportunity to stop beating ourselves up about all those things we think we should be achieving, and remembering that those others value us for the wonderful qualities we have which make us who we are, and not for our impressive CVs.

 

Starting to celebrate who we are may be a good habit to get into, because at some point in life, even the most high-achieving of us may not be able to achieve for a while. As a wise friend said to me 'we mustn't get addicted to achievement, because there may come a time when it won't be possible. What do we have to fall back on then? We only have who we are'. Olympic athletes get injured, best-selling authors get writers block, sometimes circumstances mean we aren't able to do what we want to, but we will always be ourselves, and valuing that will help us get through those challenging times.

 

Why not practice by writing an alternative to do list - what I'm going to call a 'to be' list: Here are some sentences to get your started:

 

I'd like to acknowledge myself for the following qualities:

 

These are the things it doesn't matter if I don't get done this week:

 

I am going to make space just to quietly be with myself by....

 

Loving myself this week looks like...

 

What are your reflections now you read those statements back to yourself?

 

What one action can you take this week to make them a reality?

Is there anyone else you'd like to bring in to support you?

Here's something to ask yourself when you wake up in the morning:
Who do I want to be today?

Which of my wonderful qualities will I be channelling?

Please do let me know how you go, and I'll keep you posted about my journey too!

With love

Jen


This blog is for Serenna, who gave birth in January to baby Rafael, and for Evan, who got a dishwasher for Christmas so now has more time for Pointless. And for Josh for being a great help, as ever. And the photo of Chinese New Year in Soho is for no particular reason only that it's rather seasonal and all about celebration!

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

 

The disadvantage of hindsight: guest blog for Castle Associates

I was thrilled to be asked to write a guest blog for Castle Associates before Christmas. They offer expert legal advice in the field of grievance, disciplinary and redundancy, both for businesses and individuals. Thank you to Nader at Castle Associates for commissioning the article!

When you're going through change or uncertainty do you find it difficult to trust your decision making?

 

Listening to the radio the other day, I caught part of a discussion about interest rates. Were they going to go up? If so, when? And at which point should we all scramble to secure the lowest fixed mortgage rate on the market?

 

By far the most useful piece of advice on the programme was not an answer to any of the above, but was encouragement to get used to the fact that none of us know if and when rates will go up,  we can't do anything about it, so instead we could focus our energies on getting used to living with uncertainty.

 

Getting used to uncertainty means being cool with not knowing all the answers. It means making decisions about our mortgage based on what we know now, because, without recourse to a crystal ball, that's all we can do.

 

It isn’t easy to apply this advice to our choice of mortgage, but at least it’s possible, and we can see the logic. But what would it be like to apply the same thinking to other areas of our lives?

 

Think about change at work - it's easy to feel trapped by change that is being "done" to us and easy to feel paralysed into making no decision at all, especially when change such as looming redundancy or restructure affects our confidence. In those situations, we are often faced with long periods of uncertainty,  followed by a new version of reality that we don’t like the sound of. Sometimes we  have a bit more control of work outcomes than we do over interest rates, but often it doesn’t feel like it.  However, both scenarios have one thing in common  - we can take control of the situation by choosing how we think about it, and how we react to those thoughts.

 

How have you reacted to change at work in the past? Did you engage? Disengage? Feel empowered or disempowered? (None of the above is right or wrong!)

 

What has helped you feel empowered through a period of change or uncertainty in the past? For me, it's a belief in myself that I'm making decisions that are good ones for me based on the information I have at the time.

Back on the radio programme about interest rates, our financial expert concluded by urging us, in 3 years time, to not look back with regret and say "oh I wish I had fixed my mortgage rate earlier" but instead recognise that we acted in the best way we could at the time.

I was once made redundant and moved into an amazing, exciting new job. However, it turned out to be not the right amazing and exciting job for me. That situation helped me think through what makes me tick at work, what makes me passionate, and where I should be focusing my energies to really thrive. Although it was hard, I took the decision to leave that job and explore a new direction. That was a tough time, but I still believe the choice to take that job was a sound one based on the information I had at the time. And I learnt so much that I cannot regret that decision for a minute.

Have you ever taken a leap and regretted it later down the line?

 

What would it be like to let go of regret and know that you did what you did based on the knowledge you had at the time?

Or maybe you are thinking about making a change to your career, but your fear of regretting it later down the line is holding you back?

If you are going through change, or considering it as an option, here are some questions you could ask to help you feel empowered to make decisions:   

 

- How do I truly feel about this change?

- What do I want my life to look like? (Is it different to now? If so how?)

- Who do I know who can help me create that life?

- What great attributes do I have to help me create it for myself?

 

And what would it feel like to make a commitment to yourself that whatever happens, a few months down the line you won't look back with regret, but acceptance and acknowledgement that you made a great decision for you with the information you had at the time. Jump in! Who knows what you might learn or where your new path might take you.

With love

 

Jen

 

 

Winter, Wisdom and the Wheel of Life

We sometimes look to coaching when there's something amiss - an obstacle to face or challenge to overcome. But why wait for such a situation to present itself in order to focus on how you'd like your life to be?

When you're relaxed and calm (well, relatively speaking!) over the Christmas holiday it's a great time to think about what's coming next for you. And if relaxed or calm doesn't quite reflect what's going on for you, as you juggle a tray of mince pies, a paper hat and a hangover, why not commit to finding a small space for reflection as a Christmas gift to yourself?

As I write we're nearing Winter Solstice - the Celtic festival where the cosmic wheel of the year briefly stops turning, as one cycle ends and another begins. What better time to focus on 'what next?'

Many of our northern European seasonal celebrations originate in this pagan festival of midwinter - the decoration of our homes with evergreens like holly and ivy for example, which signify everlasting life.

Those celebrating the solstice believed that the run up to midwinter was a time for nature to retreat into itself and conserve its energy. But although the woods and fields look bare, there is new life stirring as shoots appear on trees and the first snowdrops prepare to push through the earth.

And, like nature, we too have been conserving our energy, as the days get shorter we feel like hibernating and reflecting (well maybe in times when we were more in tune with nature we did, try telling that to 21st century party planners!) Winter Solstice can be a time for us, like the snowdrops, to return from a period of reflection and regrouping, to put newfound wisdom into action.

As you hang your holly over the fireplace, and open door number 21 on your chocolate advent calendar, why not reflect on what the cycle of life means to you?

As the days get lighter, which of your talents do you want to shine that light on?

As the darkness lifts, which unhelpful thoughts will you leave behind?

What wisdom have you gained over the last few weeks, and how do you want to use it as we move into the new year?

Wishing you light and lightness of being for 2018,

Love
Jen

The Information about winter solstice in this blog post is taken from Sacred Celebrations: a sourcebook, by Glennie Kindred, published 2007 by Gothic Image Publications.

With thanks to Imogen for buying it for me!

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifer@mccannacoaching.co.uk and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coachhttp://mccannacoaching.co.uk/

When good things come out of unhelpful situations

We've all been there - the job move that turns your hair white overnight, the new boss whose way of working ramps up your stress levels, or the nightmare project where nothing ever seems to go right.

When we're in the middle of these situations it's very hard to see anything positive in the situation. Stress in one area of our life, be it home or work, can easily spill into other parts of our lives and it can rapidly feel like we're losing control, and with it, any last vestiges of confidence we had in our own ability.

If I think about my own professional life, I look back on these situations and I shudder, but I also know that they have been the times when I've learnt the most about myself, my strengths and my preferences. The times I've been forced out of my comfort zone (or forced to stretch the perimeter of my comfort zone) are the times I've developed new skills or surprised myself about how I can handle a situation I previously thought I could never manage.

I'm not suggesting we all go round seeking unhealthily stressful situations but I do think that if, and when, they happen, there is great value in taking time to reflect and focus on any potential learning, and acknowledging "hey, I got through it, I'm tougher than I thought"

It's hard to do that when you're right in the middle of a stressful situation or even directly afterwards. I often find I don't process the last job, project or situation until I'm well into the next one. Only then am I able to view what happened with the objectivity that distance and time can provide.

I worked with a wonderfully thoughtful and insightful client recently who had experienced in the recent past a very stressful job role. The client acknowledged that on leaving that particular organisation, they had found the courage to have a very open conversation with a senior colleague to explain their feelings. Aside from the gift of feedback this client left her past organisation, she now knows that she has the courage and skill to have that kind of courageous conversation again if she needs to, without going to pieces, and how empowering is that?

What past situation would you benefit from reflecting on? And how can that unhelpful situation help you grow, develop and manage yourself towards better situations in the future?

We often dont get much further than "well I'm going to avoid situations or people like that again" without really thinking about exactly what it is we want to avoid, and indeed whether we have developed new coping mechanisms in the process.

These are some of the questions I have asked myself in these situations, I hope they are helpful:

What attracted me to that situation in the first place?
What did I learn about environments I like to thrive in?
What did I learn about what makes me stressed?
What contribution did I make to how stressful it became? What might I do differently next time?
What was great about how I handled the situation?
What new skills did I develop in order to cope?
What can I acknowledge myself for, now the situation is over?
Yours, learning all the time,

Jen

P.S The above picture is of Whitstable beach, and if you look closely you can see someone with the job of digging for bait, which may or may not be a stressful job, depending on your preferences.

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

The weight of expectation!

How much are you doing because you're expected to, and how much because you really want to?

This is a difficult question to answer, because sometimes I think I really want to do something, but it turns out my fears and beliefs about myself and what others think of me are clouding my judgement. So where are these expectations coming from? And how much attention should I pay to them?

People can expect a lot from us, but society expects an awful lot of us too: it expects us to get a job, pay our taxes and have good table manners. Those things it's pretty overt about. It expects a few other things as well which it's not so keen to admit to: Society is still a bit sexist - if we are a man it expects us to hold down a good job, be able to time a punch line, and be a versatile sportsman. If we're a girl it expects us to look attractive and do something creative with a cupcake. Well it used to, now it expects us to look attractive whilst juggling two children under five, one of whom is breast feeding, holding down a job, whilst writing our second novel, learning to tango (for fun!) and appearing on Question Time sounding coherent, whilst looking attractive, yet with gravitas, in a dress perfectly selected for the occasion.

And I'm not sure that I am exaggerating for effect, because listening between the lines of the people I talk to, men and women, I have a feeling these expectations may start coming from other people or society, but they quickly help us form beliefs about ourselves and how we should be, and therefore become expectations we use to give ourselves a hard time.

 

Here's an example: I spoke to a good friend today whose perception of how she was coping was that she was doing badly: the baby won't sleep, I can't remember having a decent night out with my partner, the flat is a tip and I don't seem to be winning on any front.

 

Notice that these things, many out of her personal control, were things she was using to suggest it was she who was not living up to expectations, (you have to applaud her taking responsibility!) rather than the expectations being out if sync with what is realistic. 

This is not helping her cope. What she neglected to mention at the time was that she is managing an awful lot very well-  keeping fit, cooking healthy meals and focusing on helping her baby thrive. And focusing on what we are, what we have, is so much more empowering and energising than focusing on where we think ourselves to be failing.

But much easier said than done I'm sure you'll agree! So maybe try this next time you feel overwhelmed by what is expected of you:

 Ask who is expecting this of me? Is it me? Then I can change it. If its not me, who or what is it? How much attention do I choose to pay them?

Maybe next think about what success means to you, not to your partner or your boss or to the editor of a woman's magazine, but to you. 

 

Having a vision of what long term success looks like can really help put today's feeling of overwhelm into perspective. And if that's too hard, break it down and ask, what does success look like today? (For my friend, doing something that makes her feel like her - planning a night where she can dress up and go out, or reminding herself at the end of the day what is going well and what she can be proud of.)

 

Here are some further questions you could reflect on, if you fancied it:

What if it didn't matter what everyone else thought? What if I trod my own path? What would that path look like? Which weeds would I scythe down? What wild animals would I tame on my way? 

Then look around you, who else is treading their own path? How can I support them when they are stuck behind some nettles?

With love to all of us, in spite of, and because of all our frailties, and our wonderful talents,

Jen xxx

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

To plan or not to plan? That is the question

Should I have a career plan? A question we think we should be asking ourselves, but what will a plan do for you? And if you want a plan, how do you go about getting one?

A friend posed the question the other day, 'does anyone have a five year plan?'

A quick poll in the pub of our school friends - thoughtful, successful and intelligent folk - suggested that no, not everyone has a five year plan, in fact not many of us have any sort of plan at all.

I think there are benefits to having a plan, because if you have a vision of what you'd like to aim for its easier to work out how to get there.

However, I think it's easy to give yourself a hard time for not having a plan. We might assume that its only the people who are single minded about their long term goals who will be successful, and that's definitely not helpful.

So my answer to 'does everyone have a plan?' is 'do you want a plan?' and 'what would be different if you had a plan?'

If you decide you'd like a plan, but you don't know where to start, maybe begin with creating your vision of the future. Ask yourself questions like 'where will I be living', 'In what sort of environment will I be working?', 'who else will be there?', 'What skills will I be using?', 'What am I truly passionate about?'. You could keep a vision notebook where you jot down pieces of your vision. Many of my clients enjoy creating a vision board of what they want their life to look like using pictures from magazines that inspire them.

Your plan will fall out of this vision. Ask yourself 'what do I already have that will help me create this vision?' This could be experience, contacts or skills.

And if you don't want a plan, don't force yourself to have one! Sometimes not having a plan is liberating, and not rigidly sticking to a plan you do have means you can be truly open to opportunity.

I was reminded about this on a recent canoeing trip: I was quite keen on knowing where we would start and where we would finish and how we'd get back, and one of my friends was keen on just having an amazing adventure and seeing how far we could paddle. Once we got out on the water I started to shift into the "no plan" camp, just enjoying the scenery, not worried about how far we'd gone or when we'd reach the next landing.

Sometimes I think we can be so fixed on the end goal we forget to enjoy the journey. And there's so much to see on the journey!

So there's pros and cons to planning. Certainly spending some time creating a vision of the future and working out how you'll get there is useful. But it's not for everyone, or every situation. Sometimes it's nice just to let the scenery of the river glide by, and see where you end up.

The above photo was taken at the start of our canoeing trip on the river Wye in Herefordshire, with thanks to Matt, Luke, Barny, Chris and Evan for an amazing weekend. Thanks also to Neil, Greg and Bryony for being the inquisitive school friends in question.

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com  and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.

Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach